(This has a video. You can view it here if you’re seeing this in an email.)
The struggle is real.Follow @corriekartchner
Okay, this is another post that I wrote yesterday, but I didn’t want to post three in a row, so I waited until this morning. Even wrote this last night.
First off, how freaking awesome is it that I created a GIF? So proud of myself.
I’m so cool.
Anyways, I woke up Sunday morning and I knew I was going to have trouble this week, but I was optimistic.
That’s gone and I’ve figured out why.
Not only am I having a girl week, but I have just been running.
Not actual running, metaphorical running.
Last week I worked 16 hours overtime. I literally worked two extra days hour wise. I didn’t really get a weekend.
On the one hand that’s good, because I have some big monetary goals in a few months, but on the other I’m not okay.
I feel like every morning there is a little imaginary coach who walks up and blows a whistle and yells “Okay Corrie, run run run RUN!”
And I get out of bed at 4 am and start running.
Then I get to work and I have a certain amount of tickets I have to complete and I can’t really be myself with anyone, so I sit there and try to resolve as many tickets as possible without causing any problems. I don’t really have any good friends or people I am happy to see.
I’m just trying to complete tickets and work overtime to save.
“Run run run RUN!”
And then I have to come back to my parents house that never feels like home. I have to find a place to sit that keeps me away from the people that have bad spirits.
No where is comfortable. I’m constantly on edge. And I can’t have anything to myself. There is no food in the house and I cannot bring food in the house since it would be eaten, not by me, so I constantly have to wonder what I am going to do for a next meal.
Constantly having to think about money and the next errand to run. Constantly feeling out of place and anxious.
“Run run run RUN!”
Even preparing for the temple. You know, this is a part of my life that I have looked forward to and should be a time of peace and preparation.
But I never knew it would be so stressful.
I mean, worrying about the interviews and whether I am ready. And the whole realization that after all of this preparation and striving towards it, making sure I feel I’m ready, my stake president or bishop can tell me I cannot go.
It weighs on me.
Not that going to the temple is stressful or that I would never go if they said I couldn’t now.
But at the moment I only have long term goals and nothing short term I am looking forward to. This is the closest thing I have.
But I need to accept the Lords will either way.
Yesterday my sister introduced me to her work friend and I had only had one encounter with this man before and in this encounter he commuted a tech support faux pas.
The classic “Call me when it’s fixed.”
Someone who gives you no information and then wants you to fix it.
“The computer is broken, call me when it’s fixed.” (Actual calls/emails I’ve gotten.)
The bane of tech support existence.
This guy did that, which I can get over, but then as she was introducing him to me, this situation was brought up.
Afterwards she told me that I am not nice to people. I need to not be so rude.
The answer is no. I’m at a point this week where I do not want to be nice. That takes too much work.
I feel like I’ve been running and running and there’s no peace. There’s no end goal, there’s just more running tomorrow. Nothing I’m working toward seems obtainable, so I’m just on a wheel.
I just want to spend time with my introverted self and just exist.
Not think. Or be nice. Or talk to anyone. Or worry about where my purse is. Or how many calories I’ve eaten. Or whether I’m cute. Or whether I have good self esteem. Or people like me. Or listen. Or how I come off. Or not making people mad. Or anything.
I just want to exist.
I remember a few months ago laying in bed all day and watching ocean documentaries by myself.
The calming British narrator. Nothing to do but watch all day and nap if I needed to by myself.
That was a good day.
So, I’m not sure if I have really brought this up too much, but I work in tech support.
And today was a Release day where they come out and fix things, also bring out new features. When they do such things, it also breaks a lot of things.
This is just how tech support works.
It was just one of those days where you wish it had never started.
And I think I stated that this morning with the skeleton comment.
Also, I hated my shirt.
It’s one of those shirts that feels like it should have an extra button but doesn’t.
And I had to put my hair up, because I didn’t shower.
So, everything broke, you have to explain that to customers and then you feel like you look bad.
But it wasn’t just me. Literally every person sitting on my row looked like they just hated life today.
So, I tried telling one of my coworkers my doctor’s favorite AIDs joke.
A guy goes to a bar and picks up a blonde.
They go home and have sex the she decides to stay the night.
In the middle of the night she wakes up and says “George! Do you have AIDs?”
He says “No.”
She says “Oh Good, I didn’t want to catch it again.”
It didn’t improve her mood at all.
So then I would slowly sing “If you’re happy and you know it.”
Well, at the end of the day I was walking out and I just felt like crying. All I wanted was to go home and change my shirt and lay in bed.
As I’m walking out, my friend stops me and tells me how her two last customers she talked to cussed her out about the tech issues.
I felt so bad. I tried to give her a hug and ended up losing my balance… I’m not going to continue that since you probably see where it went.
To sum everything up, somedays you’re am really good at life!
And somedays you accidentally tell your male supervisor that you’re on your period.
A follow-up to my children’s poem/bedtime story would be that it is now daytime and I am exhausted.
Everything is the worst this morning and no joke I woke up this morning and my first action was deciding I would rather sleep 30 more minutes than take a shower.
So, all those body aches that showers get rid of are still around.
Then my next action was looking in the mirror and seeing I looked like a skeleton.
Bags under my eyes and I have pale skin normally, but this morning it was too much.
Good thing they made make-up.
The follow-up to what I wrote last night and the sequel to my bedtime story will be named “If you don’t go to sleep, you will wish you were dead.”
It will be a beautiful poem about the pros to sleeping and the cons to insomnia. Children just don’t understand why you need sleep and I feel we should illustrate how I looked this morning so they begin to understand.
The WORST!Follow @corriekartchner
Okay, it’s nighttime and I cannot sleep. I took a sleeping pill and nothing. Also, I have a horrible taste in my mouth and I did in fact brush my teeth.
What the heck?
Anyways, tonight I was thinking about some of the children’s books we used to read before bed that was about bed. Like Goodnight Moon.
There was really no plot or storyline to it. It was almost like someone just put a bunch of thoughts/observations together to soothe you.
The I thought “I could do that.”
So, here is my late night children’s book. Words only, because let’s face it, I’m lying in bed and in the morning when I could illustrate it, this would all seem stupid.
Entitled: It’s Nighttime
It’s Nighttime. The world is asleep…
The sky has gone dark, yet insomnia creeps…
Papa Bear counts to ten. Goldie Locks sings…
Do bugs sleep? This is the time to wonder such things.
Worry on things that may never be. Think of the things you may be lacking.
Yet all the while, such dreams you have and places you could travel to while in your bed.
If only bugs slept, you wouldn’t ponder them so. If only the smallest of lights didn’t glow.
It’s Nighttime child, so why are you awake? If only such monsters your imagination would not make.
Or perhaps such important thoughts you could think in the day. If only such thoughts would til morning stay.
Are you not tired? Do you not want to sleep?
What keeps you awake? Are they the same thoughts as me? Are we similar now as we fall asleep?
Our thoughts may connect, our visions align, but only in the secret of the nighttime.
In a couple of hours or minutes or so, you’ll drift away softly and leave the world alone.
If only such thought would til morning stay, but until then it’s nighttime when we are this way.”
I don’t know. It’s late.Follow @corriekartchner
Yesterday I was talking with one of my good co-worker friends and somehow religion was brought up. I then told her that I am LDS and she was just floored.
She went ahead and exclaimed “You never told me that!” I, of course, fought this statement saying that I had to have told her.
She then said she would have remembered something like that and she was completely unaware.
Two places I don’t really talk about my religion that much would be at work or on my blog. At work it is just out-of-place. I don’t feel it is necessary to talk about religion at work.
Also, when I first started at this company, I was not back in my church. I was in a rebellious stage where I was trying to figure out who I was and how I wanted to live my life.
It’s funny how you go through this whole huge experience of trying to “find yourself” and you end up back in the place you started realizing what you had is what you wanted.
I almost wonder if it was just a matter of me having to choose it myself.
Since I was raised in the church, I wonder if I had to go out and try different things and experiment with what I believed in to find that I actually truly did believe in the things I had been taught my whole life.
And that’s okay.
Almost preferred, because now I know exactly who I am and the things I struggled with accepting or doing in my church are not a problem now.
And they a choice.
I don’t believe what I do or act the way I do because that’s the way I’ve always done it and so why mess with what’s good?
No, I have lived outside of my standards and how I was raised and decided it’s not for me. At any moment I could live that way again, but now I know what I want.
The other place I don’t talk about religion that much is actually here on my blog.
Which, in retrospect, is very surprising since I use my blog as a journal of sorts and yet I have not really been fully open about my religion on my blog.
I was very open when I wasn’t religious about how not religious I was.
But not so much about how religious I am now.
I am not sure if this is just worrying about offending someone or what. But the older I get and the more I discover what I want in life, the more I am caring less about offending someone.
In fact, the lines are blurring in these areas. I am becoming one of those people who cannot do anything without talking about my religion.
I don’t even think I mention it that much and yet someone will ask me “Your religion is really important to you, huh?”
It is and I love that you noticed.
Anyways, I am mentioning this because I don’t want to hide it on my blog anymore. I want to talk about it a lot.
Because I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I love it.
I will try to stay professional at work, but this is my blog and this is where my thoughts come out.
So, I actually went around asking some of my coworkers what they thought I should write about. I mean, what else was I supposed to do.
I have to say something here!
Most of my coworkers came back saying that they didn’t know and that’s why they didn’t have a blog, so they wouldn’t have to think about things to write about.
I refuse to respond to that.
Well, finally one of my favorite people at work responded to me with this:
Corrie 2:30 PMWhat should I blog about?Tim 2:31 PMhummingbirdsCorrie Kartchner 2:31 PMHaha, I will take it
I read this book once called “Unpretty” and it was about this underground society that worshiped famous artists, committed a lot of terrorist acts and used a lot of drugs.
I don’t know.
But on the cover it had this picture of this beautiful girls face and then the title Unpretty on it.
Anytime I would get down on myself after that, I would think of that word.
In the last couple months I have been noticing this sort of…movement? Over and Over I am hearing things that sort of sound like this:
(There is a song there if you are reading this in an email. You can listen to it here.)
These sort of things make me feel conflicted. These songs and videos that promote inner beauty and pushing off the opinions of the world.
Now, on the one hand they make me feel very happy. As a woman who was raised in the LDS church, I’ve always been taught that I was a daughter of God. I had a Divine Nature, Individual Worth.
Many times in the scriptures it talks about how Heavenly Father cherishes women and he protects them as his beautiful daughters.
I feel that.
I care about women and I feel that we truly are cherished by God.
But that is an objective view, isn’t it?
When I was 11 years old, I remember my father taking me aside one day to have a serious discussion with me.
He told me that I needed to reach out to my cousin who I spent a lot of time babysitting for and have her teach me how to use make-up.
He told me that my mother and my older sister get dressed up and look so pretty and then there was me and it can be embarrassing sometimes.
So, what did I do?
I went to my cousin and she gave me tips on make-up. And I have worn make-up ever since.
But it hurt.
I remember a few years ago bringing this conversation up (which my father now doesn’t remember) to my mother. She told me “Well, yeah! You wanted to be some granola girl who never wears make-up and doesn’t shave. It was unattractive.”
When I was twenty years old (so only two years ago) the discussion was brought up about dating and I remember someone very close to me saying “Look Corrie, you’ve worked in Marketing. You know how the world works. You can have the most delicious candy bar in the whole world, but if it has an ugly wrapper, no one is going to buy it.”
Now, life is full of insults and ugly words. Stick and stones can break your bones and whatnot.
But there are a few things that get said to you that over time they just never go away. Especially when they come from a source you are meant to trust and be protected by.
If the people who love you most are saying that, what are strangers thinking?
I’m older now and when you are in your twenties and molding who you are, a few months can mean you’ve changed dramatically.
So, I really am older. I’ve taken the time to realize that women are beautiful. To stop seeing other women as a threat and be able to compliment them without jealousy. (This is an actual problem.)
But those rules never truly apply to me.
I mean, if I am being totally honest here, the reason I feel I don’t have a boyfriend is honest to goodness because of my looks. My weight particularly.
If I could just lose a little more weight, maybe men would notice me.
If I was a little skinnier, I would have a boyfriend. Like magic.
That’s my number one problem in life.
Because you can’t see if there is a golden ticket until you take the time to open up the wrapper.
You know, last night I took this picture:
This was before I started thinking about this post and I was just looking at my face in the middle of taking off my make-up and I thought: “It doesn’t look that different.” on the left side or the right.
But it’s still difficult to apply those concepts of inner beauty and acceptance to yourself.
And even moreso, I have yet to hear a man sing a song like that.
But I am willing to try it.
So, how do I look exactly when I wake up, if we aren’t trying:
Literally. That’s what I wear to bed. Took that this morning.
That’s me at my most basic.
But in my head it’s not like if I go around like that I will be turning heads.
So, maybe some make-up?
Maybe if I put my prettiest dress 0n?
Now, objectively hours (and years later) how could someone not find that girl beautiful?
But standing in that girls shoes this morning or a few years ago…Unpretty.
In a lot of ways I feel like I have been ruined. I already live in a skin that makes me uncomfortable and I don’t view as being the ideal for anyone.
This is something that has been told to me for years and been in my mind for years.
This movement that women and girls should feel beautiful always is an excellent one, but it’s almost too late for me.
I do have to try.
But I don’t want it to be this way.
I don’t want any other person to feel that way ever. No one deserves that.
So, what really is there?
Obviously I work on my self-esteem sometimes. That’s not what I was getting at. I am simply saying that it is difficult to see yourself the way that others do or even yourself later on.
I don’t really know how I want to end this, as it may have seemed like I really don’t like myself. Which isn’t the case.
I just simply feel that one of my bigger problems in life is my weight.
Here is all I know and all I can think of when I listen to songs like this: If I ever have a daughter, she will be told she is beautiful all the time.
I will be the first person down at her school to fight with her bullies or at least her principle. I will always be on her side and even though I know that she will have to live in a world that will tell her ugly words, I will try my best to not let those ugly words come from me.
Because someone needs to be on her side and lifting her up to know that she can be beautiful without trying.
You can’t see me shrug.Follow @corriekartchner
Okay, I love dressing up.
I have mentioned this before, but if there is some sort of occasion that I am going to, I am going to want a new dress or a new shirt or something to wear.
My whole closet just has a bunch of t-shirts that I got for one occasion one time and then that was it.
Case and point, my friend invited to me a band show that he was performing in, I made him customized band shirts.
Now I have three band shirts for his band that I will never do anything with.
Anyways, yesterday was the 4th of July and holidays are most important to dress up for.
So, here is what I wore.:
I got myself a white shirt with blue stars on it and then I got my sister a white shirt with Red Stripes, so when we stood next to each other we were the American Flag.
Then I got the Vans Trucker Hat and a Vans pair of American Flag shoes.
I’m more of a Converse person, but these were okay.
Anyways, that is what I wore yesterday.
I also made that video in the late afternoon. (You can view it here if you’re seeing this in an email.)
My 4th of July just consisted of working and I am at work again today.
But the point of 4th of July is not to barbecue and have a day off, but to celebrate your freedom, which I do all the time.
And I definitely said many grateful prayers yesterday for this country.
So, smile.Follow @corzgalore
Okay, I have talked about my body pillow on my blog before (remember this?) and the “special” somewhat laughable connection I have with it.
No, I have not really named my body pillow. That would be weird.
But my body pillow is a representation of the craving I feel to have an intimate connection with another person.
An intimate connection where I can trust them enough to let them sleep with me.
Well, lately I haven’t been kissing my body pillow as much as I have just been letting it lay next to me.
Like I just want to feel another person beside me.
And I’ve noticed that I have had less anxious sleep because of it. Just because I can feel something that is big enough to be a person laying next to me in bed.
There is an ache that comes with this, but that is natural with body pillow situations.
What I really wanted to do with this post is talk about men. However sad it may be, it seems natural to bring up my body pillow before talking about men.
When I looked at the post I mentioned about, I saw that I had commented this:
“That’s what my body pillow is. My pretend boyfriend. We are very happy together, but I could debatabely do better.”
Recently I have sort of pushed any thought of guys from my mind. I mentioned in an earlier post (I keep mentioning other posts here, what is the deal?) that I was getting ready to make some big changes in my life since was I was so restless lately.
Well, this has made it to where I am not thinking about guys lately. In fact it has gotten to a point where any guy I could potentially be interested in, I look at them and just think “You’re probably going to disappoint me at some point.”
ISN’T THAT THE WORST?
Oh Man, I’m such a jerk in my head. Projecting all my past disappointments with men onto men I have just barely met and find attractive.
I actually went to dinner with one recently and I was the biggest jerk to him. It was like I wanted to make it a point that I did not care about him, because at some point crushing on him would disappointment.
So I will just disappoint you instead.
Just thinking about it again makes me shake my head. I really chastised myself for that one.
Cried a little bit too.
Felt so bad.
But I am at a point where I am working on myself, working to make myself happy again with this restlessness and so I just don’t think about men.
I know it’s super lame when women say “I’m just working on myself” and it’s even worse when someone says “You should just work on yourself and not worry about dating.”
Well, you should just take your advice and stick it where the sun don’t shine. Get out of my face.
…But I am seriously just working on myself right now.
I don’t think there is ever a time where I don’t secretly wish I had a boyfriend. There is never a time where I don’t ache to have someone to tell all my thoughts to and to just lay next to me at night without even cuddling or kissing.
And even more so, lately I have been secretly wishing to find that “one” who I can build my life with.
But I also don’t want to find that guy with me right now. I want to find him when I am feeling like I would be finding the best person, because I am at the best I can be at the time.
I don’t want to look back 5 years later wondering if I could have done better if I had just been in a better place in my life.
That would be worse than looking at a guy and deciding he would disappoint me right off the bat.
Anyways, this is some of the thoughts I have been having lately and I am pretty dang sure that all of you were wondering the status of my relationship with my body pillow.
You can’t see me smile and shake my head at myself.