Scrumdillyumptious deliberations decussate my cacophrenic on Tuesdays…

Okay, simple fact of life (Or at least my life) is that after you have been out of a relationship for a while, you kind of forget what that’s all about.
Also, you start to wonder if you have ever been in love. I remember at the time I thought I was so in love, but I personally do not remember the feelings that I was having or what was going on there.
It’s been 2 years.

Anyways, the other night I was driving and I stopped at a stoplight. I looked over to my right and I saw this older Asian couple in the car next to me. They actually had a really nice new car too.
But they were cute.
And I couldn’t help but think:

Has he loved her this whole time?

With a followup of:

Did he think she was the most beautiful woman in the world when they met? What about their wedding day?
Does he still think she is beautiful now?

Now, I obviously thought about this man’s thoughts on his wife since I am a girl and I don’t need to project her feelings, since if I was in that situation I would be in control of my own feelings.
Okay, I fully recognize that this is not what real life relationships are like where the man just fawns over the woman. And I realize that I was totally projecting my wishes on this couple and this is totally sappy.

But at this point, looking at existing couples and enjoying their happiness is where I am at.
I don’t mean to say that in a depressed way, but more of just saying it in general. I feel like I tried so hard with dating the last year that at this point I don’t want to try anymore.
I want to cuddle with my body pillow and pretend it’s a man who adores me. And I want to look at older couples and imagine they have been so happy growing old with each other.

This isn’t real life. This isn’t how things work, but I’ve reached a point where I do not remember the real life situations.
So I make them up.

I’m mentally healthy.

This again.

Hopefully no one is looking at my blog today. PFF!

 

 

So, I feel like a lot of the ways that we are raised here in America, we aren’t really prepared for being adults.
I mean, we go to school and it is only 6 hours. When we are in school, we don’t really talk about our careers at all or make our schooling specialized to what we will need in this world.
We just give everyone a general education, what someone has decided everyone should know (but will never remember) and if you want specialized training, you can pay upwards of $30,000 for that, my dear.
Also, when you are in your primary education years, you get breaks all the time.
I mean, three months off? That’s what’s up.
This week is spring break, a whole week off? I’m down.

Then you turn 18 and graduate.
Now what?
You get a job. Go to that upwards $30,000 school.
And this is where I am at.
I am quite a bit more ahead than this, but when looking at it generally, this is where I am at.
And it really wasn’t until recently that I realized what a vacation is all about.
You see, when I was younger I would get breaks all the time where we were off from school, but we wouldn’t go on vacation.
Vacation was when you had to go somewhere or you had something really fun to do.

But a few weeks ago I was driving somewhere and I realized that I have a car payment. I have a full-time job. I have bills.
I am doing grown up things. I may not be an “adult”, but I sure as heck do adult things.
Part of realizing this came along with the realization that you don’t really get breaks like you used to. You don’t get days where you sit and lay around.
On my days off, I have errands to run. I have crap I have to do. I can’t just lay around the house.
And I don’t get a  break outside of the weekend. There are no days where my job shuts down.
If they do shut down, it’s a holiday, but those are rather few in the year when you are not in school.
When do you get a break?

That’s when I realized what vacation was all about.
It’s not a time where your parents have enough money for you to go somewhere.
Nope, that’s when you can take time off to lay around and recuperate from the rat race thing.

The point is, I am tired. I want to sleep in.
I am working full-time and going to school full-time. I feel like I am stretched so thin sometimes that I don’t even know what I am doing with myself.
And I don’t know how to set up a vacation for myself, because my instinct is to work and to keep working and unless you have something to do, you go to work.
But at some point I need to throw off that idea and actually take a vacation.

I don’t know.
I hope you are having a good day.

Cause time and stuff.

Do you ever stop and look at a few things in your life and realize how changeable you are?
I am hella fickle.
I am consistently making decisions in my life and thinking “This is the way it’s going to be forever.” and then a year or even two years later I am changing it.

There are a couple of things that I think about that I thought for sure I would be married to and now I have no feeling toward it.
Some are superficial things like my car or the way I do my make-up, I want to change this.
Other are big things like deciding I was going to major in Psychology and now realizing I belong in tech. Or even bigger, thinking I don’t believe in God and then now realizing I do.

On the one hand I feel like this is a good thing. It implies that I am progressing. I am making strides in my life and consistently growing as a person.
Refining myself if you will to where one day, most likely the day I die, I will finally be the person I have always wanted to be.
Each day and each month I get closer to this goal of being a good person, being the best person that I can be.
It also shows experience. That I am learning new things and when I gain more experience with life as a whole, I change.

But on the other hand, when I realize that I am consistently changing all the time, it makes me a little wary of my decisions that I am making.
I mean, will buying Ray Bans today make me happy six months ago?
Will the things I declare on my blog or even to other people today be what I would want to be my opinions six months from now?
Or a year from now?
I can clearly never get a tattoo.
What if I got a pineapple on my butt and then six months from now I marry a guy who’s allergic.
Damn.

It’s confusing.
I know that the changes I make are for the better. When I look retroactively at my choices, they usually seem stupid or I just didn’t know enough about myself or the world.
But it still makes me worry.
I mean, when I was 19  years old I thought I was so mature and so ready to take on the world.
Now, three years later, I can’t believe I trusted myself with a bank account.
And that makes me wonder about myself.
I mean, right now I feel like I have it all together, but would 25-year-old Corrie think that? What about 35-year-old Corrie?
She probably thinks I am out of control.

I just want to make good choices.
But whether a choice is good or not is all perspective based and not factual.
And I just plain don’t know.

 

My Semi-Gothic Outfit…

Back to posting about my clothing options since it’s easier than my thoughts and dreams. I’m not very good at posting pictures of what I wear, but that’s okay.
I can’t be good at everything otherwise what would you do all day?
Come on now.

One thing that I have noticed about dressing myself is that the items I buy and wear that I think are the most questionable, those are the ones that people compliment the most.
This is one of those questionable outfits and actually one that I am not going to be wearing anymore.
It’s a little short and I don’t like to be worrying about those things.

Anyways:

Gothic Outfit 3

Now, you can’t really see why it’s gothic here, but the gothicness really comes from the skirt.
Look at this:

Gothic Skirt

It’s a black mini-skit with lace going down to the floor.
Pretty much what I would wear to a funeral or some sort of cemetery at night if I was weird.
But I am not, so I just try to make it natural in my life. Especially with dark lipstick.
As such:

Gothic Outfit 1

By the way, I have a younger brother.
It’s weird.

EARTHQUAKE!

Okay, I am sure that you are all sick and tired of hearing about the Earthquake. It didn’t happen to you, so who cares?
Well, I do, because Surprise! It happened to me.

So, last Friday night I was at school and we were in the middle of our last class potluck. Why did we have a potluck?
I don’t know. The teacher apparently likes food a lot.
I brought a vegetable tray. Pretty much my go to item when someone asks me to bring something to a party.
I’m so domestic.

Anyways, we were in class in the middle of giving our final presentations since it was the last class in this particular course and all of a sudden the whole room started shaking.
And not just a little bit of shaking, but quite a bit.
Although nothing broke, it felt a lot like being in one of those Shaker Rooms at the fair where everything is moving around.
Then we all had to get underneath the tables, which I am hearing mixed reviews about whether you are supposed to do that or not.
Either way, we did get under the tables and just sat there while everything shook.
I personally didn’t find it scary, in fact I had a cookie in my mouth when the shaking started happening, which made everything a little less dramatic, because my mouth was full of cookie.
I wasn’t prepared.

The thing that was scary when this whole thing happened was we were all sitting beneath the tables in our school while the whole room shook and some of the girls in the class started crying, then they turned to me and one of them said:

Corrie, what the f is going on? What do we do?

….
I don’t remember being voted leader. In fact, I’m pretty sure by default the professor is supposed to be the leader.
Also, my mouth was still full of cookie.
But they were seriously looking to me for guidance, like I could stop the earthquake or something.
Well then they evacuated the school and I was walking out (being evacuated if you will) and I strangely found myself in the hall with no one in front of me, so I just kept walking looking for the stairs.
Turns out I was going the wrong way and when I turned around, my whole class was behind me.
Following me blindly as I was evacuating the wrong way.

This is what scared me  about the earthquake. Not the uncontrollable shaking or the major back/headaches I’ve been having afterwards, but that everyone wanted to follow me when I didn’t even know the escape route.
I’ve had this happen to me before, where something serious happens and then everyone turns to me for guidance.
It is very flattering in a way that when something goes down, I am the one they trust, but at the same time scary because maybe the school never explained their evac route and then you’re leading the group down the wrong hallway.

Anyways, I’m an earthquake survivor.
What up?

Okay, I really love my job.
I’m comfortable with it and it’s just my cup of tea. Plus, I work for a really good company.
However, it is tech support. We have customer service mixed in, which most jobs do, but we are mostly tech support. Not high advanced tech support, but still there.

The other day, I made someone cry at work though. Not a customer, but an actual person that worked here who I was training.
I was in the middle of training her and she started crying.
I was dumb-struck. Flabbergasted if you will.
I did not know what to do.
I mean, we are in the work place. In my cubicle. I am trying to teach you things are you are crying.
So, I said:

Are you crying?

And then walked away and spoke to my supervisor until she had left my cubicle.

Now, in hind sight, probably should have done something. Probably should have comforted her or said something, but I was being reassuring and I was telling her she was doing a good job and we still ended with crying.
So, I wasn’t sure if it was me who made her cry of what exactly was going on.
And mostly, I don’t know how to react to such things in the work place.  This is work. You can’t give someone a hug or ask them what’s going on in their personal life.
Also, I am trying to train someone. I don’t know how to comfort them when I ask them something and they start crying.

So, this happened and I didn’t work yesterday. I come back today and it’s been turned around that I yelled at her.
What?
Did I yell?
What? No.
So, being the logical person that I am, when I hear that someone said I yelled at them, I responded with:

If you want to see yell, I can show you what yelling is.

Which of course my supervisor said that would just make things worse. I was just making a point, clearly.

Here is the thing, I am a very nice person. I am compassionate and I care about people. I want them to succeed and feel like what they are doing has value.
But I think when things happen in the work place, it’s difficult for me to judge where the personal part of me who wants to care and comfort crosses the line of the part of me that expects a good job and for people to perform.

I obviously don’t want to make anyone cry or intimidate people.
This has never happened to me before. And if it does happen, do you just walk away and wait for them to leave your cubicle?
Cause that’s what I did.
And now I have to work with this person.

I don’t…
Life is awkward and I feel uncomfortable.

Just Kidding Everyone!

So, this past weekend I was invited to a Bloggers Meetup.
And I tried to go and failed.

I had a few inhibitions about going, but I was also pretty excited that it
The meetup was in Long Beach and it took me an hour to drive there.
Then when I got there I walked into the restaurant and asked the lady if she knew about the meetup.
She said she did not.
She asked me if I knew who had made the reservation and all I could think about was how the person who invited me’s icon was a dinosaur and the RSVP said her name was Rara.
…I was invited by a dinosaur.
I felt uncomfortable.
And I don’t normally feel uncomfortable, but it almost felt like I was exposing a part of myself that really shouldn’t be out there.
I don’t normally, openly announce I blog.

And then the worst, the hostess said:

Why don’t you walk around and see if people are talking about blogging?

But the way she said it, she was laughing at me.
I felt like the dorkiest person alive.
And why would they be talking about blogging? I’m sure they would be having a normal conversation.
Come on now.

So, I sat outside and debated leaving on the phone with my sister for 15 minutes and then I left.
Feeling like a dork.
And I drove all the way home telling myself “Well, I was just joking about going anyways.”
Which I wasn’t seeing as I drove there, but it didn’t work out.
So what do you do?

You know, I had never thought of blogging as dorky until that moment. In fact, I don’t really think about blogging at all that much.
It’s just something I do.
I don’t put much thought into it outside of what I want to talk about that day.

Ever since I have started blogging, I have been really good about talking about my life, but at the same time keeping my life out of my blogging.
I don’t have anyone that I know in real life reading my blog, I never really directly talk about people in my blog.
I just try to keep it separate.
And after this experience of trying to integrate the two, I just wonder if that is the best practice.
To have my blog be personal, but not merged with myself.
I mean, this is where I put some of my inner most thoughts and I don’t know if it would work for my inner most thoughts to meet my outer most self.
Those two don’t mix.

You can’t see me shrug.

Safe Bet.

Okay, yesterday I got paid and yesterday I was really broke.
Like $13 left broke.
Not counting savings, obviously.
Here’s what happened, first off, I went out to eat a lot the last two weeks. Got a little Diner crazy.
And then I got charged a bill 3 days early. I’m not exactly sure why I got charged three days before I told them to charge me, but I did.
Guys, if I say I get paid on the 20th, don’t charge me on the 17th.
Help me help you when I actually have money.
Goodness.

Well, I wish I was just someone who could have something like that happen and not worry about it.
You just take some money from your savings to cover it and then you’re good right?
No.
I sit and I worry about whether I am financially  responsible or not.
I mean, I shouldn’t have to pull money from my savings to cover myself, right?
And I haven’t put money in my savings for the past 3 weeks. So I am borrowing without giving.
Not a good idea, Corz.

However, after I do get my check I realize that it’s a really good check.
I have this habit lately where I have been working 50 hours a week  instead of the regular 40.
So, pretty dang good check.
Then I went to make my car payment, because this is my car payment check, and surprise! It finally happened.
I am one payment ahead.
Now, I know this is a small victory, but I have been paying extra for the past 10 months that I have had the car just so I could be one payment ahead. I figured I can’t make an extra payment, but I can afford and extra 20 or 40 dollars each payment.
So I did.
And now I am one payment ahead. So if by chance I lost my job or something happened.
BAM! Guess who is safe from being overdue.
What up?
I wish I could pay my premium on my Insurance. 6 months without that payment?
That’s awesome!
But expensive. Same with Credit Cards.

So, I feel like I am not totally financially irresponsible, but sometimes it’s hard to feel like you have it all together when you have to take money out of your savings.
Or when you bank account hits $0.

But my biggest issue when trying to be financially is I will get my check and decide what my financial plan is for that check.
I will lay it out in my head what I am going to buy, how I am going to position it around to where it can be saved and what bills I am going to pay.
But then the weekend comes and I really want to wear something new.
Which is so silly, because I don’t think I am one of those shopaholic girls who always needs to be shopping and always needs to  get that thrill of buying something.
I just always feel like I have nothing to wear and I like buying clothes that I can plan outfits with.

I just contradicted myself and we will all have to live with it.
I don’t know.
I am probably going to buy a new pair of shoes or something.
I really want some Ray Bans glasses so I can be a fake hipster.
I’m just rambling now.

THE POINT IS!
I am almost a financially responsible person.
And there you go.

This is something.

I really want to post something today, but I am not really sure what.
I feel like not posting yesterday was kind of a bummer since I was on a roll last week with the post ideas.
And today I have nothing.
So I guess this will just be one of those post where I just say stuff.

I try not to blame the feeling of not wanting to do stuff or not having a full idea of what to do on Monday’s, because I feel like I should be stoked to get the week started.
But instead I am wearing glasses, cause I couldn’t be bothered with contacts. I am wearing a T-shirt, because I couldn’t be bothered with trying to look cute. And I’ve eaten fast food every meal so far today and had two cans of Diet Coke. That’s just because.
I did put on makeup though, which pretty much makes me a champion given the other situations.
I don’t think we should have a lot of expectations today at this point.
I have to say though, being a girl who spent her teenage years around 1275 lbs and now being skinnier, it kinda feels good to be one of those girls who can wear a T-shirt and still look cute.
Did I just declare I look cute today?
Yep. I did.
If I don’t say it, who will?
Come on now.

Last night I think that I had a Pokemon dream. I can’t be sure though.
There were just a lot of monsters, but not scary monsters.
I was living in a swamp and people kept falling in the water. (Stupid)
And there were monsters fighting in the water, which I can’t be sure they were realistic Pokemon, but it’s very possible.
So that’s how this grunge, fast food Monday started and frankly it all makes sense in my mind.

Welcome to the third week of March 2014, everyone.

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