(There is a video, you can view it here. I understand it is poor quality)
I have an Office quote for every single situation in life. I think that scene is hilarious, but slightly contrary to my post.
(Disclaimer: This is extremely revealing about myself and emotional.)
For the last 9 months or so I have been pretty down on myself. I have felt big and unattractive and I have changed my hair color 4 times in attempts to feel better about myself not only physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.
I just have no clue where I am going and what my place in my life, and I use this in present terms, because I don’t think I’ve really figured it out.
Well, being this confused and worried and needing of emotional acceptance, you find yourself picking yourself apart as to what exactly is the reason you don’t know what’s going on with your life.
Before I moved to Utah, my sister and I were just barely started to notice that a lot of Body Positive movements on social media.
Seeing as both of us grew up overweight and had all of the struggles that go along with it, we started to follow some of those movements (like Eff Your Beauty Standards and Beauty Redefined).
It was nice for both of us to be able to read articles and look at other women who were trying to change how beauty is portrayed due to the media.
However, I left and no longer had my support system who could help me feel better about myself, although not change how I truly felt.
Did I feel any better deep down about myself? Not really. I mean, those women are beautiful, but I am a different story.
Those rules don’t apply to me.
I’m not a body activist.
Well, last week I was watching some videos online and the guy in the video I was watching said this line:
This leads to girls thinking that guys are interested in their personalities.
Whoa now. Whoa..
I’m sure he was joking, but Whoa.
Okay, I don’t know how men feel. I’m not a man and I haven’t been close to one in a very long time.
But when I heard that, I felt like sending out a mass message to all women, especially young girls, and just scream “YOUR PERSONALITY DOES MATTER!”
But then it got worse. I was at the gym and I overheard two men in their twenties talking and one of the men said this sentence:
That’s what fat girls who don’t care say.
I was flabbergasted.
Flabbergasted and disgusted. I wanted to walk over to him at yell:
EXCUSE ME! Say that again while thinking about your mother. Then say it while thinking about your sister. Then your niece, your cousin, your future daughter, your neighbor’s daughter and I’m pretty sure you’ll find that when you say such repulsive things, it is YOU who does not care.
But I didn’t.
I just sat there and tried not to angry cry in the middle of the gym.
Because I was hurt for me. I was hurt for 10-year-old me that was made fun of in school. I was hurt for my sister. I was hurt for her best friend.
I was hurt for everyone who has struggled with mean things that might be said about their bodies.
And I realized I needed to change.
Recently in a different situation not related to my looks, someone said to me:
You know Corrie, you can think those things. You’re entitled to think those things about your situation and yourself.
But you don’t see that you’re short-changing yourself.
I was going through my pictures last night on my phone, because I reached more than a thousand and I found this selfie:
Now, they have recently conducted studies and found that selfies increase your sense of self-worth.
But I have spent a lot of time with myself and looking at my face right there I can just tell how unattractive I felt taking that selfie.
I was unhappy and someone must have requested it from me, so I took one despite feeling unattractive.
With these past simple comments I’ve heard and over-analyzed, I’ve realized I need to change how I perceive myself.
And looking at this selfie, I just wish I could have a conversation with myself.
Just sit myself down face to face like when I am looking at this selfie and say:
Look Corz, I know. I know it’s hard and that you feel that you are held back by your weight or the acne your sometimes get.
But in reality, the way you look has nothing to do with you being broke. It has nothing to do with whether your boss likes you or whether you are doing a good job at work. It has nothing to do with not having friends after moving somewhere completely new. It has nothing to do with your personality or how you affect those around you. It has nothing to do with how the people who know you feel about you.
It does affect how often you laugh and how often you let yourself enjoy things. How often you let people in and that’s your fault.
I know it’s easy to think that your looks effect every aspect of your life, but they don’t. And you’re the only one thinking about it.
And I know it’s easier to feel down about yourself than it is to be happy with who you are, but you have to.
Last thing that really cinched this need to change my perception of myself was the show I stayed up til 3 am watching last night.
It’s really easy to feel like those Body Positive sites or how I am feeling is not as valid, because just like I said, I’m not a man and we don’t know how men think. We also look for approval of the opposite sex because of love and stuff.
But last night I was watching a Netflix comedy special with Nick Offerman who is pretty much the most manly celebrity around right now. He is also hilarious, but that’s not the point.
Anyways, this comedy special was called American Ham and it was him giving his Top 10 Tips for life and one of the tips of this extremely rugged, manly man was ‘Avoid the Mirror’.
He went on to say that when we look in the mirror we see ourselves, but we also see the unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves and society puts on us.
Like he said that he sees himself and Keira Knightley when he looks in the mirror. But that in realty the human body is unique and beautiful.
Anyways, I did pull this quote:
And that is what is up.