When I grow up I want to be an Atomic Bomb.

Liberty Spikes

So, I have a friend who I work with that was going to shave his head and before he did he said he would send me a picture of him with a Mohawk.
Which he did and it was amazing. I am not going to be posting it since I don’t have his permission.

Well, I said that I would return the favor.
Last Friday I did this and I wore it to work.

Liberty SpikesI thought I would post it as a slight brag and also because it is pretty fun to look at.
I watched a YouTube Tutorial. It took an hour and 45 minutes to do and just a ton of hair spray.
My roommate wants me to do a faux hawk next.

Please listen to this song as you think about my bad ass hair.

(You can listen to the song here.)

Days like this.

I’m having a bit of a weird day.
Lately I have been going through certain things in my life and slowly trying to fix them one by one.
Some of those things include how I text people in such a demanding way or the basically the way I think about life in general.
How I feel about the fact that I am in debt and what I am going to do about it.
Pretty much just an audit of my life and my behavior, because I haven’t been really happy and I really want to be happy.

Well, doing this has led to quite a few days like today where I just feel a little bit overwhelmed and nervous.
Here I am working towards these goals and I can’t really tell if I am making progress and some days it feels like I am going backwards.
So, then I have to take measures to calm myself down, to get myself back to that place of calm I have been in lately.
Some of these things are praying and reading my scriptures, others are just listening to calming music.
But it still happens where my soul will fill with anxiety and I will start to remember all the things I have been trying to fix.

There is no solution and I am not sure how I was planning to end this post, but sometimes I feel it is just important for people to realize that other people get days like this too.
Sometimes we look around and feel like everyone has it together and a lot of times they don’t.
I get anxious and scared about the present and the future all the time.

You can’t see me smile at you, so I had to take a selfie.

IMG_2708

 

Also, here is  a song for encouragement.

 

(You can listen to the song here. Turn Around by The Postal Service)

 

Hey Gurl!

So, this Valentine’s Day I really wanted to give someone this Valentine:

SharkValentine

But I don’t even have a prospect for a Valentine this year.
So, I will just be your e-boyfriend real quick.
My first act as your e-boyfriend was trying to find you the Valentine’s Day episode of SpongeBob, but the only way I could find it was illegal. And I just care about you too much to go down that path.
But here is a picture from the episode that will provide you no comedic relief, but I still care.

SpongebobValentinesday
Here is also the song I would like you to listen to all day while thinking of me, girl.


(Listen to it here. “This is the One” by The Stone Roses)

I would have gone for a full mix, but I still want to seem not fully devoted since our relationship is still young.

And lastly, since we are so far away girl, I am just going to spam you all night on SnapChat letting you know how much I miss you and want you here and pretty much just making it harder that we have decided to go long distance.

Thinking of you

Ifonly

Whereubelong

(There is a video, you can view it here.)

I just dig you so much girl.

 

 

In reality this is what I posted for everyone else today.

Valentines Reality

I also laid in bed eating Mint Oreos and watching UFO documentaries in the sexiest way possible while wearing a Jurassic Park shirt and leggings.
….

But next year I promise:

NickOfferman Kissed

By the way, today marks the 4th year that I have had a blog.
I did start my blog on Valentine’s Day and now 4 years and over 500 posts later, I still have my blog.
So, that’s something.

Happy Valentine’s Day, boo.

 

February 2015

Okay, today is the fourth of February 2015.
Can I just say What the Hell?
Clearly 2015 is going to go a hell of a lot faster than 2014 did. At least for me anyways.

I don’t have much to say lately, mostly because my life consists of working and more working.
But that’s precisely the reason that I want to say something.
You see, I work about 50 hours a week at my main job and then I got a side job to cover some other small things.
So it ends up being 55 to 60 hours a week.
I also decided that I didn’t want to work my full-time extra hours at night or on Saturdays anymore, so I have started getting up early so I can try to be to work at 6 am.
My shift starts at 8, but if I can be there at 6, I will get the two extra hours without having to stay extra some nights.
Although, it doesn’t always workout that way and I do have to stay extra one night a week.
Then after work I have to find those other 5 hours to put into this side job that I need temporarily.
Combine that with being in school after work as well and having to complete all my readings/assignments.
Needless to say, I feel like all I do is work in one form or another.

Now, am I required to work 50 hours a week at my full-time job?
Yes and no.
No, in the fact that my company absolutely does not require this from me. Yes, because my situation financially and in my life does call for this.
Having moved across three states last year (really only 4 months ago), I do still have some residual debt in my life that just won’t quit.
For right now, to make ends meet for the next 10 months or so, I am going to have to run pretty hard unless I magically get offered a salary position.

So, for the next few months I get to work as hard as I can with as little discretionary spending as possible.
This leaves me with very few things that I will be doing outside of work.
This is why I felt the need to post on my blog, even if this post in sort of tired rant about my life situation, but it’s important to have hobbies and things that you do outside of working as hard as you possibly can.
Blogging is one of my hobbies and I have more, but a lot of them require money.

So, this is a post to get myself back in the habit of blogging occasionally. Even if it’s just a few words or a weird photo.
Here we go…

So, this is the New Year.

Well, it’s a new year. I always don’t know how to feel about a new year coming along.
On the one hand, now that I am an adult it doesn’t really matter than much. Before it was always tracking how long you had left in school or when the next break is.
But as an adult, a new year doesn’t really take any affect on your life. You have to file your taxes, but in reality that is not much of a difference.
You still go to work the day after New Year’s Day and life just continues on.
We do make resolutions and try to become better people than what we were before, but that doesn’t really mean much either since these are probably things we should be working on anyways.
Or things we have thought about working on but just haven’t gotten around to it yet.
Not that this is a bad thing, but it doesn’t really make a true marker for a new year. Not like it used to.

I have met a couple of people recently who act as if the New Year is a clean slate completely.
Which, on the one hand I can agree with. That is a good idea to have when it comes to New Years.
However, it can’t be a fully clean slate like a lot of them seem to act like it is.
Why?
Well, my debt is still here.
So…

Anyways, as I was trying to think of the New Year, which I did make some resolutions.
(Totally trying to give up soda this year. Been 5 days now.)
But the more I thought about the New Year, the more I could not stop thinking about this exact conversation I am having with my blog right now that I had with my sister last year.
But more importantly I was thinking about how at the end of the conversation one of us said to the other:

What do you think the odds are the one of us will be engaged this year?

Now, I don’t remember the answer to that question, but I do remember that one of us had said the same thing at the beginning of 2013 as well.

Recently I have been talking to a coworker of mine, who is a male, and he has been telling me that he never thought he would reach 27 without having a woman in his life.
He said other things, but I don’t want to fully go into what he said because of personal, confiding crap.

But with that on the brain, I definitely remembered my sister and I discussing this for the past 2 years and having the urge to almost bring it up to her again.
What is that?
Well, the more I thought about my coworker, the more I realized that maybe I don’t put enough stock in the human need to find someone valuable in your life outside of your immediate family and friends. Someone to witness your life.
And I think that as the years go by and being single it becomes more important to find that sort of witness to your life.

Anyways, I am not sure where I was going with that other than I repeat myself annually apparently and that I am trying to quit soda which is harder than I expected.
I just really started worrying about the sodium intake.
However, I will not be quitting energy drinks, because I can’t quit everything.

Come on now.

(There is a song inserted above that you can listen to here. Next Year by Two Door Cinema Club)

Welcome to 2015.

Welcome to 2015.
I wanted and am hoping that this is the first thing you hear.

(There is a song which you can listen to here. We are the Champions by Queen)

You’re welcome.

P.S.
This was scheduled, I may or may not be awake.
You can’t see me wink.

So, it’s the night before I go home for the first time after moving.
And what am I doing?
Cooking pizza and blogging.
I also had my first class tonight, which I loved since I finally had an outlet where I could sit and say things without having to filter myself as much like I have to do at work.
(Today I was told I can’t say the word “whore”. And I wasn’t even talking about a co-worker or someone in particular. What?)
But anyways, class is kind of like a blog where I can just talk and get things out, except in class they give me a topic and people give me feedback.
Which I slightly wish my blog was like that.

Anyways, another thing I have been noticing lately and tonight was where my attraction lies.
The other night I went to the movies and as I was watching the movie I found one of the actors to be attractive.
The significant part is that this actor was in his early 40s. Not one of their early 20s where it’s obvious you are going to think they are attractive. That’s why they were casted.
But this guy was one of the main characters that was in his 40s. Then there was another guy in his 40s in the movie that I found attractive.
Oh Wow, but they are actors, so you know, whatever?

Well, then I went to class tonight and I am always the youngest person in those classes.
They are classes designed around people who work full-time and who already have children. I don’t have children, but I do work 50 hours a week. Not a lot of twenty-something year olds do that.
So, I’m usually the youngest.

I walked in and there were some pretty attractive 40 something year olds too.
What is going on?
They were both married and I…don’t exactly know how to flirt with men?
The point is what I find attractive has actually changed. I no longer easily find an early twenties guy attractive.
In fact, when I look at some of the guys my age, I just really see a bunch of kids.
What is that?
Also, what does this mean?

I will tell you what it means: nothing.
Regardless of whether I am attracted to older established men or mineral rocks.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in over 2 years and I am not seeing a boyfriend in the future, nor am I planning on one. In fact, I actually plan as if I won’t have one.
It’s been a long time.

But you know what I do have?
This:

DiGiorno

Yeah, that’s DiGiorno.
And it’s stuffed crust. And I will probably eat it all, because I have not eaten in 11 hours.
Also, this is a timeless love.

(Later Edit: I couldn’t finish it.)

I don’t have a Fort, but…

Okay, living in Utah for the last couple months has been difficult.
I have said this before and I will continue to say it til the end of time.
(“Hey, remember that time I moved to Utah? What the hell?”)
Well, I still haven’t made any friends or even found the type of people you want to hang around with. This takes time, especially when you are an adult and you are never consistently around people.
Plus, the places I used to feel comfortable in that should be consistent are no longer comfortable, but that is a different post.
You can’t see me wink.

Anyways, my day is mostly filled with working. Lately I have been working 10 hour days.
With lunch it’s really 11, but lunch doesn’t really count.
Well, then I have a roommate who is a little…different.
Just imagine coming home after working 10 hours and you are immediately greeted by someone telling you everything horrible that happened in the news.
Or all the details of their day. Complete, full details.
I find a lot of nights I suddenly do not want to make dinner.
So I just go to my room which is still not my own.

Anyways, I have been noticing a strange trend where I wake up every morning wanting ice cream for breakfast?
But also every day after work I drive home and I park my car. Then I sit in said car in silence for 20 to 45 minutes.
Just sitting there. Not really thinking about anything.

I have felt it before that my car is more like my room now that I am an adult.
Which makes sense, it’s the one thing that is always 100% mine. I haven’t had my own room in 4 years.
I pay double my rent on my car payment. Even more if you count gas a month.
And just like rent I will no longer have my car if I stop paying.
Also, I strangely expect people to respect the fact that it is my car. Anytime I have been insulted in there, it was more offensive because obviously my car is a safe place.

Well, today was an especially hard day. Again, worked 10 hours.
And in a skirt, which is always the worst. (Going to have to wear a hoodie for a couple of days to balance that out. One meeting and you have to be in a skirt all day? Blah.) My hair needs to be dyed, so it looks horrible.
I still don’t know what I am doing with my life (see previous post) and due to recent changes in my life, I have been trying to learn to control my emotions. Or not act on them really.
I am a very emotional person and a very reactive person. So, holding things in is not really my forte.

Anyways, finally got home for the day and I again just sat in my car.
And then I almost wanted to sleep in my car. Just not go inside, but take a nap in my car.
But that would mean more time in the pencil skirt and we just can’t have that.
Yet another reason why I need my own apartment and possibly a puppy.

I’m not exactly sure where I was going with this, but you get the point.
Blah Blah Blah, something about my car.

(There is a song, you can listen to it here. In My Room by The Beach Boys)

(There is a video, you can view it here. I understand it is poor quality)

I have an Office quote for every single situation in life. I think that scene is hilarious, but slightly contrary to my post.

(Disclaimer: This is extremely revealing about myself and emotional.)

For the last 9 months or so I have been pretty down on myself. I have felt big and unattractive and I have changed my hair color 4 times in attempts to feel better about myself not only physically, but emotionally and mentally  as well.
I just have no clue where I am going and what my place in my life, and I use this in present terms, because I don’t think I’ve really figured it out.
Well, being this confused and worried and needing of emotional acceptance, you find yourself picking yourself apart as to what exactly is the reason you don’t know what’s going on with your life.

Before I moved to Utah, my sister and I were just barely started to notice that a lot of Body Positive movements on social media.
Seeing as both of us grew up overweight and had all of the struggles that go along with it, we started to follow some of those movements (like Eff Your Beauty Standards and Beauty Redefined).
It was nice for both of us to be able to read articles and look at other women who were trying to change how beauty is portrayed due to the media.
However, I left and no longer had my support system who could help me feel better about myself, although not change how I truly felt.
Did I feel any better deep down about myself? Not really. I mean, those women are beautiful, but I am a different story.
Those rules don’t apply to me.
I’m not a body activist.

Well, last week I was watching some videos online and the guy in the video I was watching said this line:

This leads to girls thinking that guys are interested in their personalities.

Whoa now. Whoa..
I’m sure he was joking, but Whoa.
Okay, I don’t know how men feel. I’m not a man and I haven’t been close to one in a very long time.
But when I heard that, I felt like sending out a mass message to all women, especially young girls, and just scream “YOUR PERSONALITY DOES MATTER!”

But then it got worse. I was at the gym and I overheard two men in their twenties talking and one of the men said this sentence:

That’s what fat girls who don’t care say.

I was flabbergasted.
Flabbergasted and disgusted. I wanted to walk over to him at yell:

EXCUSE ME! Say that again while thinking about your mother. Then say it while thinking about your sister. Then your niece, your cousin, your future daughter, your neighbor’s daughter and I’m pretty sure you’ll find that when you say such repulsive things, it is YOU who does not care.

But I didn’t.
I just sat there and tried not to angry cry in the middle of the gym.
Because I was hurt for me. I was hurt for 10-year-old me that was made fun of in school. I was hurt for my sister. I was hurt for her best friend.
I was hurt for everyone who has struggled with mean things that might be said about their bodies.
And I realized I needed to change.

Recently in a different situation not related to my looks, someone said to me:

You know Corrie, you can think those things. You’re entitled to think those things about your situation and yourself.
But you don’t see that you’re short-changing yourself.

I was going through my pictures last night on my phone, because I reached more than a thousand and I found this selfie:

BadSelfie

Now, they have recently conducted studies and found that selfies increase your sense of self-worth.
But I have spent a lot of time with myself and looking at my face right there I can just tell how unattractive I felt taking that selfie.
I was unhappy and someone must have requested it from me, so I took one despite feeling unattractive.

With these past simple comments I’ve heard and over-analyzed, I’ve realized I need to change how I perceive myself.
And looking at this selfie, I just wish I could have a conversation with myself.
Just sit myself down face to face like when I am looking at this selfie and say:

Look Corz, I know. I know it’s hard and that you feel that you are held back by your weight or the acne your sometimes get.
But in reality, the way you look has nothing to do with you being broke. It has nothing to do with whether your boss likes you or whether you are doing a good job at work. It has nothing to do with not having friends after moving somewhere completely new. It has nothing  to do with your personality or how you affect those around you. It has nothing to do with how the people who know you feel about you.
It does affect how often you laugh and how often you let yourself enjoy things. How often you let people in and that’s your fault.
I know it’s easy to think that your looks effect every aspect of your life, but they don’t. And you’re the only one thinking about it.
And I know it’s easier to feel down about yourself than it is to be happy with who you are, but you have to.

Last thing that really cinched this need to change my perception of myself was the show I stayed up til 3 am watching last night.
It’s really easy to feel like those Body Positive sites or how I am feeling is not as valid, because just like I said, I’m not a man and we don’t know how men think. We also look for approval of the opposite sex because of love and stuff.
But last night I was watching a Netflix comedy special with Nick Offerman who is pretty much the most manly celebrity around right now. He is also hilarious, but that’s not the point.
Anyways, this comedy special was called American Ham and it was him giving his Top 10 Tips for life and one of the tips of this extremely rugged, manly man was ‘Avoid the Mirror’.
Nick Offerman Avoid the Mirror

He went on to say that when we look in the mirror we see ourselves, but we also see the unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves and society puts on us.
Like he said that he sees himself and Keira Knightley when he looks in the mirror. But that in realty the human body is unique and beautiful.
Anyways, I did pull this quote:

 

NickOffermanBeauty

 

And that is what is up.

 

Okay, I felt it was only fitting at Christmas time to share my absolute favorite Christmas Internet Video.
It was posted 8 years ago and I have probably watched it every year for 7 of those years.
I remember watching it when I was still in high school and just dying it made me laugh so hard.
However, for some reason only certain people find it funny.

(You can view it here.)

As with most things you’ve watched a million times, the joy comes from other people watching it, whereas watching it alone now you just chuckle and remember how hard you laughed.

Christmas Smile

 

 

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