Scrumdillyumptious deliberations decussate my cacophrenic on Tuesdays…

(You can view that video here.)

The cons to being nice.

So, remember that one time I posted about me going to the Optometrist?
That lady said some crazy things to me and after when I told my sister about what she had said, her response was “Why didn’t you stop her when she was saying this?”
Well, like most passing things that are said to me, I started to think about this a lot.
Why didn’t I stop her when she was saying all these things to me?

There is this co-worker of mine who is rather negative.
There is not one thing in the world that this person does not complain about.
Well, this person has taken a habit of coming to my desk in the morning and telling me all the problems they have with the company.
Venting to me about all the things they do not like and how they should have been promoted and most often how much they do not care about their work anymore.
In fact, anytime I bring up anything to this co-worker, since we are on the same team, their answer to me is “I do not care.”
They proudly tell me how they have given up at their job.
Well, I hate that they confide in me like this. I love my job, I want to do a good job and I dislike anyone who is doing a sub par performance because they feel they were owed something at some point.
I hate when someone consistently tells me the issues with a company, but have given up trying to make it better.
Please, keep your complaints to yourself as I am not the company’s complaint department.

But do I say this to this person?
No, I simply listen and nod when they are talking.
Give them my attention and taken in what they same.
The same thing happens when the lab assistant at the optometrist starts telling me about being abused as a child.
I do not want to hear this, but I just sit there while it happens to me.

WHY CORRIE KARTCHNER?! WHY?!
Well, when they start talking and telling me personal things like this, I always just sit and listen, because what if no one else will listen to them?
What if  that lab assistant was really opening up to me and needing someone to hear what happened to her?
I’m an odd choice, but what if?
I’m just trying to be nice. And I wonder if the cons of trying to be nice and be there for people is to hear things that you don’t really want to be hearing, but you do it anyway?

The more I have thought about this, the more I realize that there are so many times when people come to me and tell me stories in which I just give an ear and don’t lend any advice.
I have often wondered why certain people would flock towards me and why suddenly they would feel very close to me.
I wonder if it is listening or if it’s some other thing I do that I cannot see.

Anyways, I am slowly noticing that if someone approaches me and starts talking about something I don’t care to hear about, I will most of the time just take it.
On the flip side, I rarely open up to people in real life.
My sister is always messing with me about how private I am.
Which is unintentional.

I am slightly hypocritical when it comes to information.
What can you do?

Doubt

It’s amazing how as you lay in bed at night or as you go throughout your day, little things that you are so sure of at one moment can suddenly be your biggest fear.
I have been having one of those days where your mind, or Satan, turns yourself against you.
As I have gone through my day today, all these things that I have been striving towards or excited for have suddenly filled me with fear or doubt in myself.
It ended up being a more emotional day than I was wanting it to be. I was just wanting to go to bed all day to rest from my mind constantly working and having doubts created.
But even as I lay here in bed, more keep creeping into my brain. Something about today has my mental self shying away from even the simplest things I have always wanted.
What’s up with that?

Now, I mentioned Satan earlier and I know for non-religious people that’s a very extreme thing to get.
Is Corrie implying that Satan is the cause of her insecurities? Also, how many anti-psychotics should we put her on?
Let me explain, I have always been raised that when you start to feel discouraged most it is most often when you are doing the right thing in your life. It is when you are going to really make a positive difference that it seems that forces start to work against you.
Now, whatever you may feel those forces are. Odds, fate, the universe. That weird chick you work with who never seemed to like you.
For me it is Satan that works against me. This is the force that wants me to fail no matter what. And when I am on the right track is when he puts the most doubt in my mind. Makes everything good seem like it’s scary.
Makes me want to stop. Brings every horrible situation that could happen into my mind.

But that’s a difficult one, since I can’t stop. I will get up tomorrow and try my best despite my fears and my doubts and all his efforts.
I will get up tomorrow, because that’s how this story goes.
And if I fail, I will have to take it. If I succeed, a new trial will come, but I will have the happiness of this success.
And that is what I will dream about tonight.

One of my favorite quotes that anyone could have said:

You can’t lose them all.

Goodnight.

So, the other day I was talking to one of my co-workers here and somehow the subject of witchcraft was brought up.
Don’t ask how we got there conversation-wise while at work, it’s difficult to know where my mind goes and why.
Or why I take people to certain places in conversations.

ANYWAYS!
Somehow this subject was brought up and she mentioned that she had an Africa sister-in-law who had always taught her that when you brush your hair or get it cut, you take all your extra hair and either flush it down the toilet or burn it so no one will make a voodoo doll of you with your hair.
And so every time she brushes her hair, she takes the excess and flushes it down the toilet.

….
So, maybe this is why you don’t talk to co-workers about things like this, because what the hell?
I don’t even know how that would work.
I have so much hair that it literally gets everywhere.
It’s all over my car, all over my bed, all over my desk even.
How does it get all over my desk?
I wasn’t rubbing my head on my work desk. I just literally have so much hair that it just gets everywhere.
Literally every person in the world who has ever met me could have a piece of my hair.

Also, follow-up question, who would be making a voodoo doll of her?
What kind of people are you associating with to where you would need to consistently be worried about someone taking your shedded hair to burn.
And the idea of burning your own hair to protect yourself just sounds creepy in itself. Forget protecting against voodoo, where you would think things would get creepy, just preventing the voodoo sounds creepy enough for the whole process.
Just thinking about it creeps me out actually.

Have these people ever smelt burnt hair?
Like really?
Is it a cultural thing in Africa for everyone to make sure they burn their excess hair after it comes out of their head? You know, just in case.
Is that what they do over there?
Over in America we  lock the doors at night to make sure nothing evil happens. We install a security system, living in gated communities.
But should we also be burning our hair just in case?
Who’s to say…

What the hell everyone?
That was the whole point of this post was just to say “What the hell” at that conversation I had with my coworker.

That’s all.

Dear Eternal Companion

Dear Eternal Companion,

It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you. I got a little bit lost there for awhile…
Sorry.

I miss you so much, bud. My heart aches for you to the point where I can barely breathe.
I think about you all the time, even when I am not trying to think about you. If I think about it too much it gets overwhelming.
I’m at a point in my life where it’s now possible to look for you, but everyone tells me not to. They say that we will most likely meet when I am least expecting it and when I’m not looking for you. To go out and live my life, not to wait for you.

Here’s the thing, I’ve done quite a lot of things in my life. I hear that I am accomplished and I feel like it’s true.
But everything I have done so far feels like it’s just building up to when we meet. Like I am simply preparing myself for our life together.
Because it’s not just about me. It’s about you and I.
You see, in my mind our souls are intertwined. And so how could everything I do be just for me?

Just repeating for emphasis, but I constantly think about you. I know we haven’t met in this life yet, but you are still very much a part of all my decisions.
We had to have been inseparable in the premortal life, because I feel you with me. I still imagine telling you things in my life. Places we will go.
I even pray for you.
Every night when I am on my knees I pray for you. I pray that you will feel me. Feel the love I already have for you. Not feel lonely and be strengthened in whatever you are striving for.
I pray for this for you.

I just miss you.
That’s all I needed to say.
I really, truly miss you.

Wishing you were here,
Corz

At the Optometrist.

So, yesterday I had to go to the optometrist.
Yearly checkup. Nothing too serious.
I hate that you have to get your eyes checked every year, because glasses are not cheap and no matter how many times you tell them to keep your eye prescription the same, they change it anyways.
This is going to make your vision so much better!
I like my vision crappy, thanks.

Anyways, I have had eyeglasses since I was 14.
So, I know the drill with the “Do you see better with one or two” and the puff of air they blow in your eye.
Not to be obnoxious, but I have done it before. Nothing is going to shock me.
Well, for some reason when I went to this doctor, he wouldn’t allow my sister to sit in the appointment with me. I mean, she had an appointment right afterwards, so I didn’t understand why we couldn’t go back together.
Later I found out it was because he wanted to explain EVERYTHING!
And I am not just talking about him explaining what he was going to do to make sure I was sitting in the right spot or answering accordingly.
No, he told me what each of the machines did, what my readings were, what the diseases I could have possibly had were to explain that I didn’t have them.
Everything.
I could be an eye doctor now, except I didn’t pay attention. Literally after he checked one thing, he would just start talking a ton about eye crap.
So, I just turned him off after he performed each test.

That’s fine.
He has a lot of knowledge and a lot of follow-up education after his MD.
I know that I have a lot of knowledge about the software company that I work for and when I am troubleshooting for a customer, I will end up in information overload zone.
No big deal.

Except then I went out to the lab assistant, who was this 40-year-old woman, who told me that when my mother (who referred me to this doctor) made her appointment, she said that my sister and I were like oil and water.
I found that weird since we pretty much do everything together.
Well, then this lab assistant says “Well, my sister and I are like oil and water. Mostly because she is evil.”
….Okay. Insert polite chuckle.
That polite chuckle must have triggered something, because then she went ahead with telling me about how her sister used to tie her up in the basement and then leave her for hours.
Or have her go up in the Attic and then take away the ladder. Lock her in an old trailer in the woods.
Or how her older sister’s daughter now considers this lady her mother since her real mother is evil.

….
Uhhh.
I don’t…
Why does the optometrist’s statue not have eyes?

Optometrist's statue

 

Just weird.

I’m a vampire.

I made a video for this post this morning, but my hands were shaking too bad.
I need to get a little stand for my phone so I can make better videos.
Because, and this is a tangent, it seems so easy to make a small little video blog post and I don’t know why I built it up in my mind.
Anyways, I totally took the time to make a video to say everything I am about to type out, but my hands were shaking too much.

Thumbs Up

They were not shaking too much to make a GIF though.
Every time I see one I just think “I’m so cool.”

Anyways, I dyed my hair recently and I used the normal brown dye that  I used the last time when I dyed my hair.
Everyone remembers the picture, but I will re-attach so you can see the difference:

Brown hair

 

Not too crazy, but if you will notice in the most recent gif, my hair is a lot darker.
So, what the hell?
My hair is straight black from brown hair die. How does that even happen?

So, the other day I was talking to one of my coworkers and she asked me “So, do you just not tan or what is this?”
Well, it’s not a matter of I don’t tan, it’s that I don’t really go into the sun that often.
I don’t have much desire to do anything outside. Even the beach. I have to force myself to go to the beach and when I finally do go, I only stay for an hour.
Just has no appeal to me.

A little while ago I had pink eye and I made a joke that with my pale skin and red eyes I was a vampire. This co-worker agreed.
Well, now I have black hair and pale skin.
I’m a vampire and it’s really fun to tell people that.
They can’t dispute it either, because at any moment I would be willing to bite necks to prove it.
Don’t cross me.

That’s all I really wanted to say.
It was better in the video. I will get my tripod tomorrow.
You can’t see me wink, because the video was the worst.

You know who you are…

(This has a video. You can view it here if you’re seeing this in an email.)

The struggle is real.

Okay, this is another post that I wrote yesterday, but I didn’t want to post three in a row, so I waited until this morning. Even wrote this last night.

First off, how freaking awesome is it that I created a GIF? So proud of myself.
I’m so cool.

Anyways, I woke up Sunday morning and I knew I was going to have trouble this week, but I was optimistic.
That’s gone and I’ve figured out why.
Not only am I having a girl week, but I have just been running.
Not actual running, metaphorical running.

Last week I worked 16 hours overtime. I literally worked two extra days hour wise. I didn’t really get a weekend.
On the one hand that’s good, because I have some big monetary goals in a few months, but on the other I’m not okay.

I feel like every morning there is a little imaginary coach who walks up and blows a whistle and yells “Okay Corrie, run run run RUN!”
And I get out of bed at 4 am and start running.
Then I get to work and I have a certain amount of tickets I have to complete and I can’t really be myself with anyone, so I sit there and try to resolve as many tickets as possible without causing any problems. I don’t really have any good friends or people I am happy to see.
I’m just trying to complete tickets and work overtime to save.
“Run run run RUN!”

And then I have to come back to my parents house that never feels like home. I have to find a place to sit that keeps me away from the people that have bad spirits.
No where is comfortable. I’m constantly on edge. And I can’t have anything to myself. There is no food in the house and I cannot bring food in the house since it would be eaten, not by me, so I constantly have to wonder what I am going to do for a next meal.
Constantly having to think about money and the next errand to run. Constantly feeling out of place and anxious.
“Run run run RUN!”

Even preparing for the temple. You know, this is a part of my life that I have looked forward to and should be a time of peace and preparation.
But I never knew it would be so stressful.
I mean, worrying about the interviews and whether I am ready. And the whole realization that after all of this preparation and striving towards it, making sure I feel I’m ready, my stake president or bishop can tell me I cannot go.
It weighs on me.
Not that going to the temple is stressful or that I would never go if they said I couldn’t now.
But at the moment I only have long term goals and nothing short term I am looking forward to. This is the closest thing I have.
But I need to accept the Lords will either way.

20140722-215459-78899004.jpg

Yesterday my sister introduced me to her work friend and I had only had one encounter with this man before and in this encounter he commuted a tech support faux pas.
The classic “Call me when it’s fixed.”
Someone who gives you no information and then wants you to fix it.
“The computer is broken, call me when it’s fixed.” (Actual calls/emails I’ve gotten.)
The bane of tech support existence.
This guy did that, which I can get over, but then as she was introducing him to me, this situation was brought up.
Afterwards she told me that I am not nice to people. I need to not be so rude.

NO!
The answer is no. I’m at a point this week where I do not want to be nice. That takes too much work.
I feel like I’ve been running and running and there’s no peace. There’s no end goal, there’s just more running tomorrow. Nothing I’m working toward seems obtainable, so I’m just on a wheel.

I just want to spend time with my introverted self and just exist.
Not think. Or be nice. Or talk to anyone. Or worry about where my purse is. Or how many calories I’ve eaten. Or whether I’m cute. Or whether I have good self esteem. Or people like me. Or listen. Or how I come off. Or not making people mad. Or anything.
Or running.
I just want to exist.

I remember a few months ago laying in bed all day and watching ocean documentaries by myself.
The calming British narrator. Nothing to do but watch all day and nap if I needed to by myself.
That was a good day.

So, I’m not sure if I have really brought this up too much, but I work in tech support.
And today was a Release day where they come out and fix things, also bring out new features. When they do such things, it also breaks a lot of things.
This is just how tech support works.

It was just one of those days where you wish it had never started.
And I think I stated that this morning with the skeleton comment.
Also, I hated my shirt.

20140722-165928-61168954.jpg

It’s one of those shirts that feels like it should have an extra button but doesn’t.
And I had to put my hair up, because I didn’t shower.

So, everything broke, you have to explain that to customers and then you feel like you look bad.
Perfect.
But it wasn’t just me. Literally every person sitting on my row looked like they just hated life today.
So, I tried telling one of my coworkers my doctor’s favorite AIDs joke.

A guy goes to a bar and picks up a blonde.
They go home and have sex the she decides to stay the night.
In the middle of the night she wakes up and says “George! Do you have AIDs?”
He says “No.”
She says “Oh Good, I didn’t want to catch it again.”

It didn’t improve her mood at all.
So then I would slowly sing “If you’re happy and you know it.”
Still nothing.

Well, at the end of the day I was walking out and I just felt like crying. All I wanted was to go home and change my shirt and lay in bed.
As I’m walking out, my friend stops me and tells me how her two last customers she talked to cussed her out about the tech issues.
I felt so bad. I tried to give her a hug and ended up losing my balance… I’m not going to continue that since you probably see where it went.

To sum everything up, somedays you’re am really good at life!
And somedays you accidentally tell your male supervisor that you’re on your period.

If youre happy and you know it

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