I have been thinking a lot this past week. A lot about my life, happiness and other deep thoughts. These thoughts are about me. Today they have reached their peak of needing to express them. Probably too deep for a Saturday night, but it happens that way.
I feel that something is missing in my life, but the last time I even mentioned boyfriends on here people were not very receptive. I got multiple comments which are very foreign to my blog. But I have said it since day one on here, still my blog.
This will be very personal and possibly depressing. Warned.
As I was deep in thought, one song kept playing over and over in my head:
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This song has some very descriptive lyrics to it and each one of them are a complete metaphor to how I am feeling in my life right now.
Yet I can also literally picture myself doing the things described in this song.
He first talks about walking across an empty land and I could very vividly picture myself doing exactly that, but at the same time I know that I have “walked” across many various “empty lands” in my life.
There have been many different lonely times in my life and different hard things that I had to overcome that I did alone.
I realize that this may seem silly.
But the two lyrics that hit me hardest and came to mind when I was consistently thinking why I was feeling so empty this week were these:
I’m getting old and I need something to rely on
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
Now, last time I even mentioned other people talking about me being in a relationship in my life, someone mentioned that I “have plenty of time”. (Not that this is all about relationships)
I thought about that a lot, because the issue is I actually do feel old.
I have always, even as a little girl, been way to mature for my age. I have always been told that I had a “old soul”. Even in the past and currently when people look at me, they see me as an older person.
I feel old inside and when I hang out with a lot of people my own age or even just a couple of years older than me, there is a difference. They all like me and I have lots of friends/acquaintances. We all hang out just great. Have a good time.
Still a difference.
And as for being tired, I am. Not just physically. Emotionally and mentally. I am going through something at the moment. I’m not exactly sure all the particulars of what I am going through, only my subconscious knows, but I do know how to recognize when I am going through something.
I mean, just the place I work is enough, but I know that’s not all it. I literally spend 40 hours a week at a place where they have 2 hours meetings where they just bash every single thing I do. I am obviously looking for a new job, but it takes time.
So whatever else emotionally I am going through, let’s throw that into the mix and then repress it…
Yeah, I am tired.
When I talk about repressing things, it goes back to him saying he needs something to rely on.
You know, a couple of weeks ago I tried to articulate and confide some of my feelings of loneliness and need to my sister. But there is no real way of telling someone these things without hurting their feelings. There is no way of telling your best friend you need someone else in your life, without them feeling like they are inadequate.
So it came out as “I wish I knew more people with interests like mine.”
She was still very offended. She also actually told one of our close friends that I think “people we hang out with are boring.”
Being confronted by that friend about this was one of the most shocking, embarrassing and put-on-the-spot moments of my life even though it was in private.
Let me elaborate on some of the “interests” I meant.
Last night, due to my countless hours of pondering this week, I tried to open up a little bit on some of the thoughts that I am unable to share.
My sister and I have different core beliefs. She is very religious, I am not. I go to church with her. I go to her outside of church meetings with her. She talks about her beliefs constantly.
Last night I started to just touch softly on one of the subjects of religion that I did not believe in when she was actually very upset about that aspect. I have never done this before, I usually keep my beliefs to myself.
Before I even got through my second sentence, she cut me off and told me to stop talking.
So, is it really repression when people tell me to be quiet?
Later on that night, I was upset about this and I told someone I have known for three years that I have lots of subjects that I just can’t talk about with anyone I know.
His response was that if I was looking to talk about people, I probably wouldn’t find someone.
Uhhhh. I have known for a while this person doesn’t really know me personally very well, but come on.
No, I do not feel a void of loneliness in my life because I want someone to talk crap about other people with. If I decide I want to talk crap about someone, I am going to.
But I don’t really do that very often.
You can’t see me shake my head.
So, when I said that I wish I knew someone who had similar interests as me, what interest I wish people I knew had would be….me.
I wish the people whom I know were more interested in me. Indepthly.
I know they all love being around me and I am very fun and funny. That’s fine and flattering. I do want people to enjoy being around me.
But that doesn’t mean that they are necessarily interested in me.
You know, as I have been thinking about these things I have been feeling for a while, I kept remembering this one night that I had with an ex boyfriend a long time ago.
I was really upset about something. I was crying and he sat there for hours just listening to me and rubbing my back. He never once interjected and started talking about his problems.
He never once told me that I was really negative and should “let things go”.
He just listened and was generally concerned and caring.
Obviously things went South with him, but I do remember that one night.
And I find that I am him in terms of that situation for many people around me. I listen and console them. Build them back up.
But I don’t feel that there is anyone like that in my life anymore. So far the only person who genuinely asks what is wrong with me and will sit and listen like that is my music teacher.
….The only person out of the many people I interact with consistently who takes a notice of my struggles is someone I pay weekly to sit in the same room with me.
The mix of emotions that I feel when I think about that is overwhelming. And none of them are very happy.
I should probably hire a counselor since she shouldn’t have to deal with that.
I guess what I am getting at here is that first and foremost, loneliness has never had anything to do with being alone. Biggest misconception ever.
Second, in that song when he talks about “needing somewhere to begin”, “something to rely on” and “a place that I’ve been dreaming of”.
These are all one note for me. They are one in the same.
But I don’t know where you go to find that sort of comfort and affection. So, for now, I will just repress and deal with all these emotions until they build up again and I have another long blog post such as this, which actually does help a lot with coping.
This is the end of my personal thoughts.
