So, I am pretty freaking tired right now. Last night I went to bed at 9 so I would be all rested up for Monday morning work. Well, I happened to have a nightmare last night. I was Muslim and shunned from my church (what are their churches called?) for marrying the wrong man and so in an act of revenge against the man who did this (who was conveniently white) I used a disintegration ray on him and his child. After this happened, this man’s husband chased me down the street until eventually these redneck nudist serial killers took me in and stuck my hand in a blender. On the flip side, they had really small packages, so even though I lost my hand I feel like I won that scenario.
Anyways, as you can imagine, there were multiple reasons that I woke up at three in the morning scared out of my mind. I’m sure there is some sort of political or ethical reference in that dream, but I’d like to think that my subconscious is a very simple place. Also, I am not racist because I was the Muslim in that dream.
After writing that just now, I realize there are a lot of inconsistencies in that dream. Muslims don’t let white gay men shun their members. Or do they? And where was my husband who I got shunned for while my hand was being made into a smoothie? To have and to hold? PFF.
ANYWAYS! I’m having one of those days where you are so tired, you can barely focus on what is going on. When someone asks you a question, the only logical answer would be “I don’t know”. Why? Because you are so tired that you literally do not know anything.
It is a miracle that I have written this much on my blog.
You often hear about people discussing out-of-body experiences where they are there but not themselves. Being this tired is the closest I think I will ever get to that experience.
It’s also the closest thing that I have ever been to being in a coma. People are talking to me and I want to be there for it, but there is nothing processing upstairs.
I also find that when I get this tired, I feel very shaky. But on the inside more than anything. I don’t know if this happens for anyone else, it could be a result of past illnesses, but it is almost as if I have some sort of vibration going on underneath seeing as I am not in control of myself.
This little vibration makes it even more distracting to try to think. It also makes me feel more impulsive. Like I might lash out at someone who aggravates me. Or I might just say something stupid because I’m tired and out of control.
I don’t know if any of that made sense. Eh. Look at me, I’m just complaining and racist dreams.
It is 12 a.m. midnight exactly and I am awake. It’s a Monday now. Meaning I have work in 7 hours and I have to be awake in 6 hours. I am tired.
So, why am I up posting on my blog? Nightmares.
I don’t really have nightmares that often, but I find a lot of times I am not really scared, but I am afraid of being scared. What keeps me up at night isn’t the actual nightmares, because I don’t really have any. But what keeps me up at night is the fear that I might have a nightmare.
It’s not always though. Only on nights where I have had a conversation or watched something that could somehow be transformed into something scary through my imagination. Tonight it is a conversation that I had with my brother earlier about a horror movie. Didn’t actually see the horror movie, but just the conversation has me up late.
Is that lame? Yes, very. I’m a square.
I have a few ways that I try to combat this.
Almost every night I speak on the phone with that boyfriend guy right before bed. He makes things better, but he doesn’t really know that this is one of the reasons I call him at night. He just thinks I like talking to him. HA!
Sometimes (like tonight) he will be tired and hang up to go to sleep when I’m still wide awake.
When this happens I like to either watch a movie or listen to music as I am falling asleep. I know this is a horrible habit, but so is insomnia, so…
Most nights I listen to Jack Johnson. The same CD throughout the night. He has that deep, soothing voice that is good for sleeping to. I have a slight hope that just like how when a dog hears a certain sound, they will act accordingly, I am hoping to train my mind that when I hear Jack Johnson, my mind will immediately shut off. There would be a slight problem in the fact that if I ever listened to him int he car, I would immediately fall asleep and crash and die.
Good thing it’s not working.
Other nights, when Jack is not working, I will watch Willy Wonka. With the music and Gene Wilder, it is a very calm movie. But I worry about the TV being on all night. I’m not sure why.
Anyways, I am up and it is now 12:19 a.m.
I taught myself the only way to vaguely get along in love is to like the other slightly less than you get in return…
I think I have successfully become bitter. So, allow me a bit of a pity post.
I have heard people say many things along the lines of the quote above. When I first heard something like this, I was appalled, but the older I get the more I sadly agree with the quote.
Last night I had a dream where every guy I have ever had feelings for came back for a second round. During this dream it confirmed to me that no guy that I have ever had serious feelings for has ever felt anything remotely for me in return. Ouch So that leaves me to believe that this was not a dream, but in fact a nightmare where each of these males returned to rub it in my face a bit. I prefer nightmares where someone comes and chops me up into little pieces and then sells them on Ebay. It just seems more practical and less hurtful.
Now maybe this dream was going to get better and I just didn’t wait it out long enough, but I woke up pretty depressed. And if anyone was wondering, yes I took a sleeping pill last night. Eh..
I once believed that there was no such thing as unrequited love. I remember thinking that if I liked someone so much, they would just HAVE to like me back. Silliness really.
It’s pretty obvious that emotional scars last a hell of a lot longer than physical scars. Now in my brief observation and experience with relationships and love-type feelings, it is a good idea love the person less than they love you. The person who is more attached usually gets the short end of the stick.
The only problem is that you cannot measure how much you feel for someone and how much they feel for you. You can’t make a chart so you can compare and go “Yep, I need to tone down my affection.”
Sometimes I get pessimistic and think that romance is dead and I really never believed it exists. I imagine it’s something like luck or religion. If you’ve never experienced it and only watch other people enjoy it, it’s hard to believe in it. All you can really do is be happy it’s there and enjoy it for what it is to other people.
I don’t really know where I was going with this. Thoughts?